xxiaotian

 What's the thing about the big apple, and sex, and the people living inside?

I digress. 

And I guess I'll never ever be the sex and the city sorta girl, or your american-born-chinese, or british-born-chinese, or australian-born-chinese sorta girl. In short, I'll never ever going to be the girl with a funny accent. 

In a nutcase, I am pretty much your Singapore Girl. And I am proud of it. No ivy league college degree. No prima donna

I guess, true humility is realizing who you truly are, what you can and cannot achieve. 

Seriously, I am just your regular girl. Probably with better manners than most of the people from my country. I am falling in love - with myself. Love me  - for who I am. 

 Sleepless in manchester....

I don't know how to say it correctly...but i miss him, that's the only truth. And I can only bank all my faith in God right now. Hopefully when we do get the chance to speak again, I have the courage to tell him how I truly feel. 

The feeling of missing someone is from someone lost, to someone found. I guess I didnt know how much I miss talking to him, until I missed the chance. 

Ok, so I miss him. Now what? Go back to sleep. 

Rewind 8 months ago, I was quite madly in love, albeit with that insecurity blanket. And I thought I was doing a pretty good job in growing in love with someone.

Fast forward 8 months later, my heart was recovering from that little disappointment. I am growing in faith and learning my own identity in Christ, which in return made me a joyful person, secured in His love. In fact I was learning how to appreciate the fine qualities of other people.

I know I shouldn't pick up that call. 

What do you want?

I was seriously a lot happier when you are out of my sight, and not knowing that despite of all that, I am not even worth a friend.  

The insomnia led me to saying a prayer - straight from my heart, like what I always do. And I know everything will work out fine cos He is handling my confusion. 

I still believe, still hope, and still pray for that someone worth the effort of opening myself to vulnerability. 

And perhaps the person is not you. Nonetheless, I still keep you in my prayers - sometimes.

i probably couldn't forget how i cried myself to sleep - in paris, with a fever alone. 

or.

have i unknowingly looking forward to telling a friend whose nose is on his forehead off whenever he tried to be arrogant? 

 it happened again. i came home this evening feeling upset with them but im just so sick of the nonsenses for my entire life. i walked into my room. he said it wasnt him this time round. i bet he must be feeling pretty lousy inside. 

and i feel lousier. i wonder why i have the inner strength to keep forgiving, and forgiving. i must admit there was once this part of me that wanted to disconnect.

some people go for their dreams. i think it's equally important to accomplish the obligations first. for that, i am staying where i am - constantly battling with the noises and nonsenses. 

in a sad way, i am happy to be going away for a week so that i can have a bit of peace. 

whenever i get stressed, or worried over my little life...it helps by plugging into my ipod and listen to some sermons mp3 - reminds me that He is still in control afterall

all i want now is a night of undisturbed good sleep. assignment can wait, at least a few hours.. g'dnight. 

i am annoyed - with a few things on my mind. nobody said it is easy. and 3 months down the road, i am still trying to figure out my real intention. 

whilst i've truly enjoyed my time at lecture with my new-found classmates, i cant help but feeling sad that some of my closest friendships has drifted apart slowly  - due to different priorities in life, i guess. nobody should seriously judge anyone, in my little opinion. i secretly want to say that i hope you girls can comprehend that i am not being anti-social. nor am i secretly seeing someone. i am just too overwhelmed with work and school - trying to balance both. 

anyhow, i've never been to a lot of funerals. but last monday, i attended one, right after 14 hours flights from london. and it was the last place i wanted to be. 

i didnt really want to elaborate because i dont really like to feel sad. i've never been to a funeral where nobody cried out loudly, but everyone had a face covered with tears. the truth was we were all so heart broken that he left - the pastor who touched lives. i believed each and everyone presented had beautiful encounters with him and that was why they were there. 

i thought i was pretty numb to feelings and all. but i stood there and wept silently. i recalled our long old conversations, and how much love he showed me. and now that i am 10 years older, i begin to realise that the world isnt about me. growing up isnt easy, but it sure get easier. i looked at joyce,justin and joey (children of pastor lee) and suddenly, what was my pain of my dad abandoning me at the age of 12 compared to that moment? it's probably by His Grace that I begin to understand the real meaning of life and i know, i've (unknowingly) become the older sister. 

i thought of my dad and how much i love him - yes i do despite of all that he caused me to go through. the sudden fear of losing him was so real. and strangely, he called me in the evening, just when i had the intention to call to say hello. i have this secret desires for my family members to experience the Love i've received and i know, its merely a matter of time before He do a miracle in my family. perhaps this is the reason why i am reluctant to go out and be the life of a party anymore. i think i still enjoy a good party but i am pretty pleased with this little life i am leading. 

did you love enough? perhaps when our desires are quiet and when we don't need or want much, that's when we begin to realise what is truly important. beatles got it wrong - love is not all you need, love is all you have.  

 
   

i am quite spiritually dry of late..cos the truth (which ive come to realise lately) is my heart is evil, and i love myself more than i love God. nonetheless, it doesnt stop me from wanting to know Him better. 

i always believe in honest prayer - simple words. like how i cried and told Him i had to leave Him cos i cant do the going-to-church-when-my-heart-isnt-there routines, and will come back, drawn completely by His love. so this afternoon, i told Him i don't love Him as much as He loves me. but i am not giving up and asked Him to change my heart. 

nothing happen, but something will happen. 

anyway, i was chatting with a close friend of mine and she shared with me one of the sweetest testimonies i've heard for the longest time...

this is how it goes...

she was in great pain, and been crying for a few nights. one night, when her  then-boyfriend of 2 months-now-husband stood next to her, he prayed this prayer.

' dear brother jesus, i dont know you personally. but i hope you can take away her pain. i've been a buddhist for all my life. but if you can remove that pain, i promise i'll follow you for the rest of my life' 

when she went to the doctor, the doctor told them that her results were negative. and the first thing he shouted, 'praise the Lord'

that was how he got saved. and that was they eventually gotten married. 

i dont know about you. personally, i am a big fan of real-life stories like that and i pray that my heart will not be hardened, nor my eyes be blinded to see that the genuine love is actually found in our everyday lives.... 

last night, i was taking a bus home after class. and there was this boy, around the age of 11. everything looked perfectly fine at first glare, until he tried taking out his wallet with a bit of struggle and there it is, he has deformed fingers. i looked at him and tried to smile. but he wasn't smiling back (the thing with singaporeans!)  secretly i wanted to talk to him and be his friend.

i probably have a bit of clue to where He wanted to use me, only if I am completely convinced that this is what i truly want to do. read somewhere that when He puts a desire in the heart, it's probably His ways of telling me this is where and what He wants me to be, and he will prosper it.

more to digress.   

it's been quite a while... but this afternoon, i decided to head out for lunch - alone, without appointments, or deadlines, or textbooks. 


solitary is my best friend. lunching alone with a book is one of the best things in life. it also serves to remind me the reason why i always work hard at work, without shortchanging people. so that when i am not working, i can enjoy a decent meal, at a rather decent restaurant (sometimes) without worrying about what others think. 

im not sure what to think of this, but this afternoon, i felt good after sitting in a hair salon for a few hours, and even a few more hours at the beauty spa. (certainly not the best way to spend your time, i guess) it's been a long overdue of 6 months! and it feels real good to be properly groomed again. 

on another different note, a horse walked into the same hair salon and i asked, why the long face? instead of fretting over that, i chose to leave it to Him. 

some questions are probably left unasked. i am biding my time, and enjoy this very moment that the Lord has given, so that when i do get to the other side, there's a story worth telling. :) 

edited : secretly, i wanted to say hello and asked how are you? but i know you are okay, with Him...everything is okay. 

 just finished one of the first 'busy seasons' and right now, i should sleeping and not writing...cos there aint anything to write about... except i am turning a year older in a few days' time....

i dont think the age makes the person...but the person makes the age. and at the age of 28, i think i still look pretty good! 

anyway i know this is not making senses. anyway the thing is i supposed to be having a whale of time, afterall i am officially on leave now (again!) but it seems like theres a 1001 stuffs to accomplish! 

so literally i've entered the 2nd season of crazy mugging stage - right after i finish my beauty rituals. boy, it feels good to be a bimbo sometimes! 

hahahahahhahahahaha - like how this entry sounds like? LOL. 

birthday plans - bringing my mum and her church friends out for lunch! that's all i want to do! 

oh, and prayers needed - more wisdom cos i am not brilliantly smart (thats when i know i need HIM)....and what gift/s i have to serve the Lord? dont tell me its being the perfect bimbo or clown cos i know i am pretty good at it!

I think I am a step ready for that! keep me in prayers, girls! 

 andy : are you seeing someone now?

me : yah. 

me : Jesus.

me : He loves me so much. I am so blissfully happy. 

Long stressful week ahead. But I am taking it easy. Bye.

 One of those sleepless nights after work when I am physically tired but mentally awake. Perhaps the mind is thinking a lot. Mostly about schoolwork. A bit about job security. And somehow a bit about how the heart feels. I took a big step to move forward and was pretty darn proud about it. And then...took a few little steps back. 

I am scareddddd, honestly - of seeing that familiar face randomly on the streets again. 

Looking into the mirror this morning, I realised my skin wasn't as flawless.  And a haircut badly needed.  Seriously, this is what juggling two lives is doing to me? Or am I plain lazy? 

While getting lost in my own world in the library today - running out of words. I drifted between focusing on the topic, and trying not to fall asleep and thinking of a friend. For a brief moment, I felt sad. And quickly, I began to reflect on His Goodness, and His love for me. 

Certainly not easy. He didn't promise a life without disappointments, heartaches, and pains. But what He promises is that He is always there for me, and with me. 

So it gets easier. 

Edited : I haven't let go of the friendship. I just realised at some point of my life, I need to move on with my own life. And honestly, perhaps it is a good thing, because I no longer need to pray about it.  

PS : Need a good session of hot yoga soon!  

When someone invited Jesus into his/her life, we often say that he/she accepted Christ, instead of Christ accepted him/her. I was wondering in bewilderment at work today...how amazingly unbelievable it is, that we have such loving Father (if you get what I mean)

Need to get back to working on my essay! 

 After the rain, there comes the rainbow. And even though it's usually a fleeting moment....it's often sweet. So after that drama-mama me crying out to God for that little disappointment, i can't help but feeling loved thoroughly by Him. Knowing that I was right about holding back, and therefore losing a good opportunity. But looking at a different perspective, it might just mean passing another reason for greater disappointment in the future. I know He has good plans to prosper me. 

On a different note, I am thankful I am able to put it aside, and focus on my studies. Albeit I've moved from that lonely first row of the lecture hall to one of the last rows. I've met a lot of genuinely nice people, and awesome classmates who are willing to lend me their notes whenever I am unable to attend lessons. 

And the beauty of this whole going back to school business (even though I am whining about it a lot) is seriously about character building. Secretly, I like studying. And I like the idea of being a struggling student, and part of the wayang glamourous job as what the world perceives. 

paris. 535am. after swallowing tons of pills and studying 2 chapters, i realise that  the thought of losing something dear to you is the same as the thought of getting it. 

i want to go home. 

Interestingly, I was debating on what truly matters, and what is truly essential. Although it is nice to have a lot of beautiful things, I've come to an conclusion that I am working towards financial security and hopefully an apartment of MY own in the next 2 years. It also means I am staying at my current job for the next 3 years without shallow shopping. 

Expensive bags - wants.
Holidays - wants. 
Boyfriend - wants. 

Good health - needs.
Jesus - NEEDS.
Good grades - needs. 
Happiness - needs.
Good body - needs. (Haha)
Flawless-looking skin - needs. (lol.) 
Financial Security - needs.
Peace at home - NEEDS. 

Hmmm. 

This evening, I found myself struggling with heavy textbooks. And reminiscing the good old polytechnic days. 

And there I was - at the very first row of empty seats of the lecture theatre, trying to figure out what she was talking about. In retrospective, I think it takes me quite long to be where I am today, and even longer to realize I am going to try to do well. 

So. This is where I belong - for the next 2.5 years. Keep me in prayers!